Cant help crying when i first heard this last night till now.

There is only 1 person on my mind when i replay this song.

The lyrics? Or?

He was a historical figure who played a very impt character in my life.

Hw is he now? Will things be different?

There will still be familiar songs that i will hear on radio and i nv thot of him till i realised that im not thinking of him at all.

Duno y, tis song just stirred up the feelings.

Or izzit cos this month is his bdae?

There has been dreams floating here and there recently. Dreams as in your soul leaving your body and wander ard and not the ambitions kind.

Had another one earlier which i wanted to know the ending but was distrupted by my sis. Haix.

I have a telepathy with a fren who seem to msg me when im not working. =)

The rain has stopped. Its bright and fresh outside and images of my mum appeared.

I like the recent fb status PJ wrote and love his fren's reply. I'm not Christian but it reflects what ive been going through too and i believe God is changing me too.

At least He gave me the strength to think back wat used to interest me and let it stay in my to-do list.

when i left my kf job, i left with a great sense of relief, not knowing it will led me to another level of depression, yet brought my family close.

when i got a nhst job, i found friendship in a workplace. but not my friendship. I envy the ladies. Envy their friendship, their sisterhood, their chill out nights, weekend outing, being each other sisters' for the wedding. I left with regret cos i know i did not put in my 100% working there.

when i join the present company, i find myself indulging in my own world. I know, i will end up like my dear fren who just left, if it wasnt cheryl who ask the team to look out for me. I find it easier to distance myself from someone than getting close to someone. i am afraid of sth. i too want to be back to who am i, but not who i was at my ugliest time.

Getting to work there used to be a happy thing but it has become more of a reluctance. Its not only cos of our r/s, its also cos of the work. Sometimes, sorry just aint enuff. If one day, he came and apologise to me, i dun think i will forgive. God, im a terrible person right?

I'm tired of everything and yet i dun have the ability to abandon everything. I like the world of volunteering. But recently, it isnt a passion of wanting to do counselling and/or further into psychology anymore. I'm interesting in baking stuffs nowadays but i know the route is not for me. Hobbies, pastimes, fantasy and reality.

Ppl are getting married and i feel that im just stepping out. Commitment is a scary thing, be it any type of r/s. At least to me it is. Maybe when I step back with God by my side, all worries will evaporates.

"On this day of your life, Vanessa, we believe God wants you to know..... that although forgiveness is very hard, it is necessary."

Holding onto anger and old hurts hardens your heart and hurts only you. Ask for help in letting go of the anger. Ask to see the situation through the eyes of compassion. Allow yourself to feel the lightness of forgiveness.

I saw him again ytd after 6 mths. Its arranged. He with his frenz and me mine.

He still look the same and sound the same.

Til nw, i still dun know wat attracted me to him. I still like him.

Exchanged a few sms-es.

God gives me the answer again. 'Letting go is wealthier'.

I sms to sp last night wishing him happy new year and asking y he din wish me. lolz. Im being a idiot again, i know. No reply from him yet. Is breaking our friendship is 2010 resolution?

B say that i should be glad that my best fren has found his love. I replied that 'the price of his love is sacrificing our years of friendship' Ding Dong here and there... he reached his most infamous line ---> 'u shld be big enuff to handle ur life'

And so, in my hp contacts, i renamed him as 'Brian Lim. wu fa gou tong de da ren' =p

3rd January 2010

Reviewing back 2009, i thank God for the most practical experiences i have in year 2009. That in Year 2009, that im back to reflecting, serious reflecting.

Im clear who r my frenz, who r my colleagues, who r just passer by.

Im clear my family r my family.

My journey begins the moment i left KFEM and renew again when i almost joined back KFEM, and the journey continues again.

I hope i will never forget that 2 years when im with them. The people ive met, my ex-colleagues and bosses, the residents and the company.

Ive tried, each other giving chances to our friendships. He wasnt with me when im in my darkest moment but either am i when he needs someone. Now that we no longer need each other support, we are beta off without each other.

The last time i heard from him was 25th dec 09. I wonder.. will it be the last time that i will ever see or heard from him. Childishly, on 31st Dec 09, on purpose, i deliberately stopped myself from sending msg to my 2 closest male frenz - Darrice and him. I just need a small test to know whether am i remembered by them. For the past few years, we are either together through all the celebrations, or when we werent, i will be the one forwarding msg to them. This year, i just want anything..anything that can proved to me that im remembered, that im their self-claimed 'sister' and 'best fren'. Childish as it may seems, but i rather believe, i will get the truest result from the most simple test.

Til now, i have heard nothing from them. No sms or when im msn, no msg from either of them.

Thank you God for answering my prayer.

Nothing fancy this year. No expensive xmas gift exchanges, no extravagant dinner gatherings, no squeezing with people. I have a warm xmas and new year celebrations both with maternal family and my weekend Hei Se Hui.

Family, are the ones who stood by me during that 3 months being jobless, full of emotions, depression and isolations. Showering me with love and financial support.

Hei Se Hui. We used to be a batch of jobless wanderers. Hanging ard together passing time. They are my joy and laughter at my downest. We are all 1 years 9 days old and we all have jobs now. Jobless or not, we have ride through the storms with dirty jokes, coffees and late night outs. A serious issue nearly broke off the friendships and we are still learning how not to depend on each other financially.

A new start. People coming and people leaving. People who are trying to show me how they are getting along beta with people i like. People who are trying to show me how good they are. Maybe im too sensitive. And so wat i can do is smile or look away or simply ignore. I know, no matter wat, God is always here with me. The only one who knows me better than any frenz and my family. I love Him.

Im a person with no credibility. U know the answers when i say 'i want to quit smoking' or 'i want to lose weight' Everyone gives me the same answers and expressions. Only God will not judge me. I know he is guiding me.

Happy New Year to those who knocked into my blog.

Happy New Year to those who are working on their dreams.

Happy New Year to those who used to matter in my life and to those who now matters in my life.

I love you guys deep deep for praying for me and included me in your new year wish.